“Maybe we should have another baby?,” I wondered as I gazed at the sweet baby photos of my first-born. Delete. Delete. Delete. Suddenly, a photo flashed on my screen of my then 10-month old son on the day he used his dinner to paint our […]
As Zachary gets older, his developmental delays become more noticeable between him and his peers. The fact that he has no words is the biggest one, which is also sometimes the saddest for us. We wonder if we will ever hear that little toddler voice […]
As a person who has always lived in a major city and often takes public transit, I have encountered my fair share of extremely annoying and rude people. It’s practically a way of life. To be fair, I know that assholes are everywhere, from the line at the bank to the parking lot at Target. I am generally annoyed by all assholes, but I have something to get off my chest.
I fucking hate people who use their electronics at top volume in public. Talking loudly on your phone, watching videos of YouTube, or listening to your music without headphones — all of it drives me up the wall. That is literally why headphones were invented, so you can listen to whatever you want without the entire world having to hear it.
I feel like it shouldn’t have to be said, but apparently it does. It’s just inconsiderate, it’s actually breaking the law. Most cities have different noise rules and ordinances in place for a reason, so what makes you think that you’re above the rules? There can be a sign that says “No Radio Playing,” and then there’s someone sitting under it listening to loud music. What the actual fuck?
Look, you can listen to whatever music you want. That’s your choice. But that doesn’t mean that everyone within five feet of you needs to listen to it too. Not only am I thinking that you’re a total asshole, I’m judging your shitty taste in music. Because it’s always the people with the worst taste in music who seem to think that everyone wants to hear the garbage that they’re listening to. Well, guess what? We definitely don’t.
You know, you can find headphones in most stores, and you don’t have to buy expensive ones; I spent like ten bucks on a pair at Target.
And don’t even get me started on people who talk loudly on their phones while they’re out in public. Okay, well, I’m already thinking about it, and now I’m annoyed, so here we go.
Do you not know how to speak at a reasonable volume? Do you not care that everyone now knows all of your business?
I was once sitting on a bus in NYC, and a woman was having a battle with her baby daddy about him not paying his child support. On a crowded bus. In the middle of the day.
That’s a whole lot of information that a whole lot of people did not need to know.
I mean, I get it, sometimes you need to take a call while you’re in public. I’m not saying, don’t answer the call. I do it myself. But when it’s something that personal, then you really should try to arrange a time to have the call. Because I wouldn’t want a bunch of strangers to know my business. See also: common courtesy. Because if you have to take such a personal call while you’re out in public, for the love of all that which is holy, don’t yell! Even if I was trying to ignore you, you have now invited me into your conversation.
And another thing, if you’re going to let your kids watch YouTube or play games on your phone, which I’m definitely not going to judge you for because I do it all the time, your phone has a volume button for a reason. My son knows that when we’re out, he can’t watch YouTube at full volume. No one wants to hear that freaking Finger Family song at top volume while they’re trying to enjoy their lunch. I mean, I’m sitting next to him and I don’t want to hear it, so please, keep “Five Little Monkeys” at a reasonable volume.
Look, what I’m really trying to say here is don’t be a dick. It’s not that hard to be considerate of the people around you when you’re in a public space. Your auditory needs do not take precedence over mine simply because you’ve chosen to ignore common decency.
People who play their music loudly in public are on the same level as people who don’t return their shopping carts. There is no real reason for them to be assholes, they just make the conscious decision to be though. When it’s so easy to be a decent person, why choose to be a shitty one?
Scary Mommy is now on Snapchat Discover
Walking into a restaurant with a couple of friends, I was struck with equal parts awe and envy at the hostess’s skin. It was flawless and poreless and dewy, the kind of airbrushed-looking complexion that everyone wants, the type that keeps skincare a multi-billion-dollar industry. […]
There are seven kids in my house, but only four of them mine … and there goes the doorbell again, so make that eight – no, nine. Excited voices reverberate off every wall, and somebody forgot to take their shoes off, so there are dirty […]
“You are broken inside.” Sitting in front of a psychic in her apartment with my close friends a few years ago, on a hot and humid July day, this woman, who didn’t know me and whom I had just met, said I was broken inside. I was broken; she was right. He had left for another woman.
As she was making note of the lines on my forehead to indicate the hardship I had recently been faced with, my thoughts immediately started to race back to when my ex walked out of our marriage and of our home while I was holding our daughter tightly in my arms, crying inconsolably, scared and in shock, not knowing how to handle the situation of grieving a lost husband, caring for my three children, who were so young, and getting myself through this unbelievably challenging time.
The sun had set, the next door neighbor was pulling into her driveway, coming home to find me outside standing on the front lawn, watching my husband get into his car and drive away with a defeated and scared look on my face. She knew what had just happened and, like me, she was at a loss for words. Tears coming down our cheeks, she held me and my daughter. Her hug meant the world to me at that moment and I didn’t want to let go of her embrace.
Getting to know me throughout the process of being cheated on and ultimately left for another woman, was so frightening. Nothing prepared me for how to deal with the pain I experienced when I realized my marriage and friendship with another person would never again be the same. For almost 20 years, I had been someone’s partner and, as such, many of the things I did and the way I thought about my future was very much centered around another person.
After spending months crying over a failed marriage, mourning the loss of a future I had imagined for our family, I came to realize that I had defined much of who I was based on this partnership and I felt lost.
What now? How do I move forward? Who am I?
For months, after I found out about the affair, I hated that my mind arbitrarily drifted to thoughts of the affair and that it made me feel like these thoughts had taken over my emotional and mental stability. I couldn’t make sense of what was going on, with him and with myself. He was a completely different person than the person I had known and loved for all of these years.
What had happened to him, to us? I also, rather quickly, felt like I was becoming another person … I couldn’t recognize myself and the things I was doing. For some reason, I was convinced that I could somehow make sense of it all by rummaging through his cell phone and computer. That I could uncover evidence that he did still love me and would not leave me for another woman. Convincing myself time and time again that we would be okay and that all we had to do was to figure out how to get through this bump in the road.
All I ended up finding was more evidence of his love and affection for another woman and the growing distance he was creating from me and our life together. I felt unsettled and frustrated a lot of the time. I was constantly replaying events in my head, pictures, email and text exchanges between them that I had found on his phone. None of it was helpful but I didn’t know how to stop myself from these thoughts, from trying to uncover evidence of his love for me and that he would leave her and realize that he and I could have a happy life together.
I felt like I was spinning out of control and I couldn’t stop the madness that had settled within me.
One of the most difficult things for me to wrap my head around was the betrayal of trust that had attacked my inner peace to its core. I struggled with the emotional trauma of reconstructing what happened between them while he and I were together before I found out about the affair. Painfully putting pieces of the puzzle together with the things he told me he did and said to her while he was with me — this haunted me day and night for such a long time.
Not only was my mental and emotional state declining, so was my physical health. Struggling to eat and take care of my body, I quickly lost 35 pounds over the period of only a few months. I’ve always wanted to lose weight, but this was not how I wanted to go about it. The worst part of it all were his comments to me of how “hot” I now looked after having lost so much weight. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Who was this person, and why was he talking to me in such a crass way?
I also had some fainting spells during the first few weeks after I had found out about the affair and was dumbfounded at how annoyed and unsympathetic he was when I would faint. He saw my pain, but for some reason, he was unable to help me or pick up the pieces of my broken heart.
Despite the small steps to finding my way again, there was still the daily struggle of caring for the kids on my own and dealing with the separation. On most days, I felt like I was in survival mode. I would often come home after dropping off the kids at school and go back to bed and hide under the covers and cry. It was terrible. I felt extremely guilty that I was hiding in my bedroom and not being fully present with the children. The lack of energy made it difficult to keep up with the kids on the weekends, but I managed it as best as I could and by the time Monday morning rolled around, all I wanted to do was sleep. I was physically and mentally exhausted.
I knew I had to get out of the cycle I had created for myself, one that was spiraling out of control. I had to do it for myself and more importantly, for the children.
First thing I did: I asked for help. Many (well-meaning) people had advice for me and encouraged me to meet new people, and get out of the house and find a new hobby. Easier said than done … Imagine you’ve just jumped out of a plane, you’ve landed in the middle of nowhere and you’re afraid and panic-stricken. You have to get yourself up and figure out how you’re going to find a way that will lead you to where you want to be. This was me, I was lost, frightened and didn’t know how to find my way. I needed a plan.
I knew that before I could make new friends or do all of the things I was encouraged to do, I had to get to know myself. Not myself as a wife, long-term companion to someone or a mother. I needed to date myself, push myself out of my comfort zone and try new things. I took myself out to dinner, the movies, walks on the beach, tried new restaurants, joined online women’s groups and went to therapy–a lot of therapy.
Through all of these experiences, I began to have a voice that was my own–I literally had not heard myself speak so much in my life as I had in only a few months. The sound of my voice was actually a little foreign to me. I began to gain confidence and to think about what kind of future I wanted to have. I could see myself coming out of my shell.
This is also when I started to realize how confined I had been in my marriage, how much I had given of myself to another person, and how much I had allowed myself to stand aside to allow someone else to move forward on their path and because of this I had lost myself along the way.
Although a great deal has happened to me, I can see how much I have learned about myself and the world around me in only a few years. I now know that the events that once broke me no longer define me and who I am. They have led me to where I am now, standing strong and feeling whole.
Scary Mommy is now on Snapchat Discover
In 1958, African American choreographer Alvin Ailey first performed with a group of young modern dancers at New York’s 92nd Street Young Men’s Hebrew Association. His work as a dancer and an activist popularized modern dance and transformed the way the African American population participated in 20th-century concert dance. Ailey’s masterpiece Revelations is the best known and most often seen modern dance performance and juxtaposes deep grief with profound joy. This Spring, the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater returns to the Segerstrom Center for the Arts for a limited Spring engagement.
Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater
The Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater began as a group of 7 dancers in New York, headed by Ailey, who served as the director, choreographer, and principal dancer. The company gained popularity and toured the globe. In 1969, Ailey established the school that is now named after him and has since become anaccredited institutional member of the National Association of Schools of Dance (NASD).
During this exclusive Southern California engagement, the Company will dance new programs featuring five, never-before-seen works. Several of these programs are set to music by Jazz legends including Members Don’t Get Weary set to the music of John Coltrane, Victoria, set to the music of Michael Gordon, and Mass set to the music of John Mackey. Ella featuring the music of Ella Fitzgerald and In/Side set to the music of Nina Simone are two works new to the Segerstrom Center for the Arts. Additional programming includes Ailey classics The Golden Section set to the music of David Byrne, Stack-Up featuring the music of Earth, Wind & Fire, Grover Washington, Jr., Fearless Four and Alphonze Mouzon, and the American Masterpiece Revelations.
Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater Tickets and Showtimes
There will be three different programs that will perform at the center from April 19th through 22nd, 2018. Tickets for the performances start at $29 and can be purchased online at SCFTA.org, via phone (714.556.2787), or in person at the box office (600 Town Center Drive, Costa Mesa, CA).
Thursday, April 19 at 7:30 p.m. and Sunday, April 22 at 1:00 p.m.
Members Don’t Get Weary by Jamar Roberts
The Golden Section by Twyla Tharp
In/Side by Robert Battle
Revelations by Alvin Ailey
Friday, April 20 and Saturday, April 21 at 7:30 p.m.
Stack-Up by Talley Beatty
Victoria by Gustavo Ramirez Sansano
Ella by Robert Battle
Revelations by Alvin Ailey
Saturday, April 21 at 2:00 p.m.
The Winter in Lisbon by Billy Wilson
Mass by Robert Battle
Ella by Robert Battle
Revelations by Alvin Ailey
Images: Paul Kolnik, Teresa Wood, Gert Krautbauer, and Chrisopher Duggan
As you navigate middle school, I have a few things I’d like you to know: 1. Not everyone will get you. Be patient. You will continue to find your people. 2. Even if you aren’t a natural athlete, grit will be the characteristic that separates you. 3. When […]